Thursday, January 27, 2011

Heavy Breathing

If you clicked on my blog because of the title and thought you were going to read something sexy, let me just tell you now, that you're not. You can probably find that at

I'm pretty sure after today's yoga class, I've got bad karma coming to me for at least a month. When I set up my mat, there was another mat next to me, but the owner wasn't there, so I just stretched a little while waiting for class to start. A few minutes before class started, the owner of the mat strolled in and took her place. She's one of those girls you want to hate...5'9" - 115, ivory skin straight out of a Neutrogena commercial, mani'd and pedi'd to perfection and moves with ballerina-like grace.

Not even two minutes into class I realized that miss polly perfect was a heavy breather. It's one thing to do the typical ujai breathing (in and out through your nose creating an ocean-like noise in the back of your throat), but this chica sounded like a 1-900 worker. I kept glancing her way thinking that maybe she just needed to work out a few kinks before she got into the rhythm of class, but oh no...the harder the pose, the louder the breathing.

I tried to focus on my own breathing, even tried to make my own breath a little louder to try to drown her out, but it was impossible...I started going light-headed. Then I tried to focus on the poses extra carefully, but I couldn't seem to get her out of my mind. After many failed attempts to distract myself, I just decided to do the most un-yoga-like thing ever...judge her and make up stories about her throughout class.

She's married, but I'm pretty convinced that she and her husband never slept together before they got married, because if they had, the breathing might have been a deal breaker for their union. And, I'm guessing she's a super type A person, just like Tea Leoni on Spanglish. She's probably a really good worker - detailed oriented, organized, chipper - but I can only imagine that if she ever has an outburst, watch your back. Over analytical? Maybe, but it was a long class, so I had time to think.

I couldn't tell if I was the only one bothered by HB, but I didn't see anyone else making evil eyes at her in down dog. At one point I said under my breath "take it easy, you're going to pass out if you keep it up." Now I'm starting to think that she was planted there by the instructor to test our yogi mind skills. Kelli's Grade = F.

While I did get in a good physical workout, I didn't come out of class feeling as relaxed, humbled and restored as I usually do. I guess it's a good thing that my word of 2011 is patience, because I might have "accidentally" fallen in class when HB was doing one of her one-handed handstand moves. But with my luck, I would have only hurt myself.

Let this be a lesson to choose your mat mates carefully. Sorry karmic gods, hit me how you'd like, but please try to see it from my side.


  1. Kelli,

    You are hysterical!!!


  2. Maybe heavy breathing promotes ivory skin and body perfection. I'm going to try it.